things i'm afraid to tell you...

things i'm afraid to tell youa couple months ago, Jess Constable wrote a very revealing and vulnerable post on her blot. it inspired Ez to write her own and invite others to join her on Creature Comforts. Meg at Mimi + Meg started a second round.  it has taken off all over the blogosphere.  i think it's such a great idea, because we tend to only write the sunshiny stuff on our blogs but life has a lot of clouds, too.   i don't usually want to use this blog space to write about the negative, boring stuff or frustrations i feel in life.  i like to use this as a place to escape and a place to let all the happiness shine.  but a dose of reality is a good thing once in awhile.

i've been thinking about joining in and writing my own post about the things i'm afraid to tell you, but i haven't actually written on this blog in awhile, due to the overwhelm i feel which you'll read about down below.  but a dear blog friend {thank you leslie!} gathered a great group together and we are posting today.

so here goes ::

  • i am addicted to sugar and i'm not ready to give it up even though i know it's like poison to my body.  although i will admit that in the summer, i'd much rather have a piece of fruit than candy.
  • i somehow always end up in the role of coach, teacher, support person, helper, shoulder to lean on.  and i love helping people out.  but i very rarely get help or support from most people in return because they tend to think i'm strong and i don't need it.  but i do.  {i'm blessed to have chris as my husband because he definitely gives me so much support and care.  but it would be nice sometimes if he wasn't the only one giving it.}
  • i grew up in a terrible mix of violence, abuse and neglect.  so bad that if it was in a book you wouldn't think it was real because people couldn't be that horrible.  but i survived, even against my fervent nightly prayers for god to let me die in my sleep.  i am so, so happy he didn't answer me with a yes.   i don't talk about it very often because it's hard for people to know how to handle it unless they've been through similar situations.  in a strange way, being a survivor is a badge of honor because i know i can get through anything.  and i know that my kids will never have to face what i went through.
  • i almost repeated the cycle of living in an abusive home and i can remember the day i chose to break the cycle.  i started to fix and heal myself.  i started getting rid of all those broken pieces and let a shiny new me start to come into view.  and then i met my husband and he helped fix the rest of me.  and still does.
  • i have a messy, cluttered house.  i don't like answering the door to unannounced visitors and i don't invite people over because of it.  we have had clean - but unfolded - laundry on our loveseat pretty much since the day we moved in. (i remember about a year ago when i put away all the laundry while my kids were sleeping.  my youngest came downstairs the next morning and screamed with delight,"we got a new couch!!"   i'm not exaggerating.  i crave the clean, modern uncluttered homes in magazines, but we just have way too much stuff.  and i don't want to spend every spare minute putting that stuff away.
  • i don't always trust myself to know how to do things or figure things out, so i read tons and tons of books and take tons of classes so i feel more confident.  *i must clarify by saying i totally trust my intuition and my instincts in making life decisions.  i'm talking here more about the nuts and bolts of things like web design, removing carpet, using adobe illustrator, marketing, painting, etc.
  • i'm scared to go places with my husband but without my kids in case we get in a crash and both die.  i can't imagine anyone else raising them with as much love and creative chaos as we do.  and i'd miss them terribly.
  • i get exhausted by how many ideas i have and how many plans i make.  i take on waaaay too many things at once and go after them full speed ahead, and then i get totally overwhelmed and get paralyzed into a lazy funk.  i'll spend 2-3 days on a couch reading or browsing the internet or watching dumb movies all the while feeling guilty and feeling more depressed because i have "sooo much to do"  the cycle repeats itself and i must learn how to break it.
  • along the same lines, i can't see the trees because i only see the forest.  i get overwhelmed by the complexity of the situation and by how many steps are required.  i can't simply break it down into small pieces and do one thing at a time.  i just get all all-or-nothing and freeze.
  • i'm a really, really picky eater.  i probably only like about 15 different meals.  i love, love, love fruit, but i hardly like any veggies or dishes with lots of different "particles"  as i called them as a child.  it makes it hard to go out to eat at a lot of restaurants.  i'm that really annoying person that orders items from the menu but without half of the things that it comes with.  i can't help it.  i really can't eat it if it has certain things on it.
  • the inside of our house doesn't reflect any style at all.  it's generic and a cluttery sort of way.  we hardly have anything up on our walls.  i love art and design, but somehow am too lazy and too scared to "commit" to choosing things to hang up.  there are so many cosmetic changes i want to do to the inside of our house, but for some reason i just can't do them.  i can't tear down the wallpaper i hate.  i can't paint over the ugly brown cabinets and trim.  i have no idea why i choose to live in a house that doesn't inspire me cosmetically at all
  • in another life i would choose to be a psychological/behavioral profiler, detective or something in forensics.  sort of like jodi foster in silence of the lambs.

thank you for reading and for being here.  i hope you feel inspired to let something or many things off your chest today.  it feels brave and powerful and awesome.

and thank you so much to all of the bloggers who are posting with me today - be sure to go check out what they have to say as well. (Please leave us some comment love, here and there, it helps so much to get support on vulnerable posts like these!)

Jill at Terra Savvy | Erica at The Elbow | Jen at Taking Off the Mask | Kate at Modern Home Modern Baby | Laura at My So Called Sensory Life | Monique at Razing Mayhem | Caroline at Salsa Pie | Leslie at Life In Every Limb | Melanie at Inward Facing Girl | Amy at Old Sweet Song | Michelle at Early Mama | Jen at Jen Epting | Leslie at Lights and Letters