this is how it's gonna go

tammie bennett here i am

hi friends.  i'm so glad you're still here.  that wasn't very nice of me to leave you hanging for so long.  your hot chocolate is freezing by now.  and your legs are probably cramping from being curled up on my sofa waiting for me to stop by and chat.  

but i'm here now.  and i have a lot to say.   i'm going to work super duper hard on stopping by here 2-3 times a week to chat.  i hope you’ll join me. 

in my last post, i wrote about how i wanted to start speaking more of my truth.  that was totally true.  it’s still true.  but i’m even more ready now. 

maybe i’m ready to be the most ME i’ve ever been because i just celebrated a birthday and i am tired of behaving the way i’m “supposed" to behave.  i don’t want to leave this planet hiding some of my jewels.  

maybe it’s because i just moved across the country and wanted to present myself in the best light possible so i could make new friends and it exhausted me.    and it left me feeling more lonely than i can ever remember.

maybe it’s because i see how desperately i want my children to grow up to speak freely and be themselves without abandon.  oh, how i want this for them.

maybe it’s because i have just gotten through some really tough times.  really, really tough.  nobody died and we are healthy, but my soul suffered more than it has in the past 20 years.  trying to please everybody else didn’t get me through these tough months; it created anxiety and sadness and darkness.  

maybe it’s because i live in an area where everyone is so nice, but i don’t feel like most people are being straight up with me.  i crave raw truth.  it’s okay to not always be sunshine and rainbows and glitter and unicorns.  

maybe it’s because i finally realized that all the people i was afraid of offending don’t live with me or live in my life 99.9% of the time.  they don’t deal with what i deal with or see what i see or think what i think, so why am i bending myself to fit into what i think they want to see?  i’m so tired. 

maybe it’s because there are so many strong, honest, raw women in this world who are talking loud and clear right now.  they don’t give a crap what people think about them and they are loved and respected and they have friends and they feel free.  because they are real and honest with who they are. and they inspire me. 

maybe it's because i realize that the way i grew up doesn't define who i am now.  it is not my job on this earth to try to please other people at the cost of being me.  

whatever the reason, i’m excited to start being a little more me.  i’m excited to let loose and have fun.  i’m excited to be okay with being totally awkward and emotional and silly and crass.  i am excited to create art and words without worrying about whether it will sell. without worrying if it will be off-putting to people who buy art.   it's going to take some time because i've been a people pleaser for a long-ass time.  but i'm starting.  now.  i'm on snapchat where i'll be posting  informal, fun, silly, dorky sides of me.  i'm tammie bennett on snapchat (and in real life) if you wanna follow me.  

if you want to join me here on the blog instead,  grab a pillow.  wipe off the doggy hairs and scratch off the dried food crumbs.  put on some socks or make sure you have a recent pedicure 'cause crusty toes freak me out.  snuggle on this couch with me.  let’s chat.